I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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