so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
