exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
