Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
