If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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