Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
