I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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