He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
