Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
