guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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