i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
