I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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