I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
