My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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