I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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