Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
