I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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