can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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