well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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