end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
