i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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