We're like a lot better than the average bears
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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