I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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