tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
