can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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