did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
