when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize