one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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