Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
