There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
