Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
