Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
