I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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