after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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