im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
