the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
