Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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