Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
