There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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