he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
