he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
