Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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