Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The best revenge is premature balding
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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