remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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