I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
