you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
