Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
