On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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