My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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