Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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