I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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