You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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