I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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