She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
