My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
