i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
