I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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