Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
another moral hangover. fuck.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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