Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
