I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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