Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
