So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
