I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize