finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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