Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
